Tards of the Week

Father of the Week:

Michigan boy, 13, charged with drunken driving
Police say dad, too drunk to drive, gave keys of truck to his son

CLIO, Michigan - A police officer checking on a truck that got stuck in the mud at a city park was startled to find a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel. The boy’s father, who was sitting in the passenger seat, told police he had had too much to drink and let his son drive. The boy had been drinking, too, police said. “(The boy) even said he didn’t want to drive because he was too drunk,” McLellan told The Flint Journal for a story published Thursday.

President of the Week:

Mugabe paid witch doctor in
‘gas from rocks’ scam

HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) — President Robert Mugabe has said ministers at a Cabinet meeting he agreed to pay two head of cattle and three buffaloes to a woman who claimed she could produce gasoline out of rocks, the official media reported Friday. Mugabe later ordered the woman’s arrest on fraud charges.

The Herald newspaper, a government mouthpiece, reported the woman claiming to be a tribal healer, known in the West as a witch doctor, also took large sums of money, a car and a piece of land from the nation’s highest ranking politicians, promising in return to use spells to produce diesel fuel from rocks in the bush outside the provincial town of Chinhoyi, 70 miles northwest of Harare.

Instead of invoking spirits, the woman bought diesel and piped it into the rocks, the newspaper reported.

Well, it’s really the same as this, isn’t it?

Governor of the Week:

Ga. Governor Prays for Rain at Capitol
ATLANTA - Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue stepped up to a podium outside the state Capitol on Tuesday and led a solemn crowd of several hundred people in a prayer for rain on his drought-stricken state.

“We’ve come together here simply for one reason and one reason only: To very reverently and respectfully pray up a storm,” Perdue said after a choir provided a hymn.

Perdue also let us know just why Georgia is having this problem: it’s the damned shellfish. That’s right:

Gov. Sonny Perdue says the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has been allowing Georgia’s water to flow to endangered mussels and other species in Florida and thereby preventing state residents from sprinkling their yards and hosing down their cars.

“I’m telling you, when it comes to choosing between mussels and drinking water for children, I’m about fed up with this mess,” Perdue said after declaring an emergency this month as Atlanta’s main source of water dropped to what the state said was a 90-day supply.

Bitchfight of the Week, cont’d:

In his final assessment, Fabio told OK! “You have to be a low-class, scumbag to start calling a woman a name. If you’re a man, you should never. You should be a gentleman. These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He [Clooney] was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He’s not even half a man.”

Cult of the Week:

And if a Doomsday cult threatens suicide, doesn’t everyone win?